Silent Cheerleader

I had an interesting conversation recently about how as you age you become more set in your ways. This sounds like a bad thing. But it isn't really. It's not so much that you become closed minded (although many people do). It's more so that you have learned your likes, your dislikes, what you are capable of, what you are tolerant or intolerant of. This is a good thing.. Imagine spending your entire life not knowing your opinions on anything.

Now the problem comes: We are not alone in this world... we must interact with others. You have this handful of people you deal with on a daily basis. The ones you know well enough to voice your opinions without a second thought. Then there are the others.. those outside your bubble that cross your path occasionally and randomly. Myself.. I feel like certain topics should be avoided.. others tread upon delicately. I have strong opinions on humanity's impact on the earth.. and essentially upon each other. I think it is unfair and disrespectful to carelessly use nature's resources and then inturn pollute whatever has not been stripped away for our consumption.

If society is trying to become efficient in everything else.. why not in consumption. This is because it is viewed as not economically efficient to be environmentally efficient. This view is just awful.

In fact this need to consume and get more and more for the littlest amount of cost is leading to our demise. Not only in the environment but in our health. Recent news (whether it is true or not) has declared obesity to have replaced smoking as a leading cause of death in North America.

Society's views are changing.. perhaps not for the right reasons.. but at least something is starting to happen.

Now.. Back to the original topic (prior to my rant on the environment). I feel that my views of the environment and how we treat it is a delicate topic. People get easily offended and I find it easiest to keep my mouth shut.

I would love to be a revolutionary.. Instead I'm more of a silent supporter.

Monster in the Closet

When I'm happy I'm almost scared to be happy. When everything is going right theres just so much potential for everything to go wrong for some reason.
I've been so happy and everything has been going so well for a while now that I'm scared to actually verbalize how happy I am. And I'm a little nervous about even writing it. I'm scared I'll jinx myself by admitting how happy I am.

But really.. how can you enjoy when everything is going amazingly well if you keep waiting for the scary green monster around the corner to come and squash everything good in your life? so the solution.. Screw the scary green monster.

Don't worry. Be happy. My favourite song when I was five said it all.

So this is me officially kicking that monster to the curb.

The Sum of your Choices

Man does not simply exist, but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment.
- Viktor Frankl


Decisions Decisions Decisions.
The decision to write this. The decision to write it at this moment. The decision to post it and every future decision connected with it.

I hate decisions! Think of all the seemingly insignificant choices you make throughout the day from the moment you open your eyes (which is a decision in itself) to the moment you close your eyes.. and who knows what kind of decisions are made while you are sleeping..

Small choices can lead to horrible or amazing things. By making the decision to stop and look at something in the window of a store on my home from work means that i just missed the little walking man that tells you its safe to cross the street. This waiting at the traffic light means I just missed my subway and have to wait another 3 minutes for the next one. For all I know I've just changed the course of my existence by stopping for a few seconds to look in a window.

You run into certain people everyday because you made the decision to leave work a minute later or eat breakfast instead of skipping it. These people could affect you in so many ways. Those moments and choices could get you a job, could get you fired, could make you bump into your soulmate at just the right time, just the right place.

This could make me become paralyzed with fear. Every insignificant thought, movement, word, action on my part could cause some ripple effect of events.. and like the metaphor about the butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane, a world could change.

Instead of staying in my room trying not to move or say anything that may consist of a decision, (which technically wouldn't work since a decision consisting of the lack of action is still a decision) I would rather use that ability of decision making to create positive change, and a little adventure for my adventure starved self. It is a complete mystery what the outcome of todays seemingly harmless decisions will be.

Career Shmear

After nearly 2 years of intense writer's block I'm back blogging.

There's a number of experiences I've had since I last wrote that could influence my choice of topics. Finishing university. Job search. Starting a job. The learning curve. Boredom. Fate. Decisions. Relationships. Friendships. Family. Its a tough choice.

So.. to continue in my typical blogging tradition.. I'll start typing and something will come rambling out.

When is it that you figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life? and how are you actually supposed to make that decision without ever really doing it in the first place? When I was small I wanted to be a ballerina who was an artist/writer. I went into engineering.

Maybe you know whats best when you're young, before all the influences begin. Granted, you're influenced by your parents, cartoons, and barbie dolls or (insert boy toys here). But the amount of influence isn't to the same extent that it becomes as you age. And it becomes even harder as you close doors and open others, ignore one persons advice in favour of another, you get my drift? By the time you're in a position to choose a career (ie. after training/schooling whatever) you've basically chosen your path in life without ever really knowing if thats what you want to dedicate your life to.

Its a scary thought to think you've put in so much effort only to realize that what you thought would make you happy is in fact no where near what would actually make you happy.

If you think you know where this is going.. you're probably wrong :p
I am incredibly happy.. and I doubt I could be a very successful ballerina given the fact that my balance is atrocious. I don't regret the decisions I've made.. and I feel sorry for anyone who does regret things they've done. All that I've experienced has made me who I am.. and I know I've said it before but I love my life. Of course I've made stupid decisions, but you live and you learn.

I have discovered that I may not be 100% meant for engineering.. or at least not the detailed designer type. Give me a project to coordinate.. something to plan or schedule.. people to talk to and I'm a happy girl. I'm extremely good at starting something but finishing is not my strong suit. On one hand I could be upset that I didn't know all this before the hair-pulling stress of completing an Engineering Degree. But I loved school and I love the friends I made along the way, the things I learned and I especially loved the challenges. I'm also very happy that I have discovered this before hating my life for the next 40 years in a position I despised.

The whole idea that completing your education means you're done learning and that you're ready to start real life and a career is stupid. The entire process of school was real life.. and probably the funnest years of it. And you're learning every day of your life (hoepfully). You may never know what you're ideal career is and you can change jobs a million times and be completely happy in all of the jobs or completely miserable in all of the jobs. Its really a matter of what you put into it and your outlook on life.

My advice: Stay Positive. But feel free to ignore it if you choose.

Next up. My love of decisions.

Veggie Times

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. " - A Tale of Two Cities

I'm feeling utterly foolish and completely irrelevant. Nothing in this blog I am writing is bound to make sense.. but it should at least provide some entertainment.. that is if you could make it through that first quote. Charles Dickens was wordier than the bible. I would be too if I was paid by the word.

I'm always wondering what its like to be someone else. Not that I would ever want to be anyone besides myself because, call me conceited but, I adore being me. But do you ever wonder what its like to actually BE that random you met in the elevator that you just had a brief two second conversation with?

Another thing which I ponder often is how that person just saw you. Within fractions of a second we have already made snap judgments about people we glimpse or even just get a whiff of. I'll be walking in a mall and someone walks by with a certain cologne I despise and without even seeing them I have judged them. Maybe not my final judgement, granted, but a significant one nonetheless.

I wonder very often what vibe I give off. If people look at me and think "oh, she must be working at the Fast Food place down the street" or if they see me and think "she's a snob for sure". The thing about this is you'll never find out. You'll never actually know the true judgement that has been bestowed upon you within the first second of meeting a person. There's no way they will tell you what they truly think because most of the time it hasn't even registered in their brain that they have judged you. Its a feeling mostly, not a coherent thought. Later in the day after much deliberation they will either dismiss you from their memory as insignificant or remember you for some reason, be it good or bad.

Its all a mystery to me. And I cannot control what others think of me just as I cannot (usually) control my initial reaction to a persons image, smell, voice, etc.

All I can say is that everyone should remain open minded about a person. People can surprise you even after knowing them all your life. Never pass judgement.. you may be missing out on some great experiences, great friends and amazing times.

Hippie Nonsense

Its strange what living alone will do to a person. Suddenly you are responsible for yourself only. You decide how you want to live and can be (for the most part) entirely independent. I learned more about myself this past year than in the other 22 years of my life. Especially at this crucial period in a persons life when they are defining themselves and who they will become as an adult, outside of school its very important to know who you are, what you like, what you believe in.

Through all of this, I've discovered if I had to pick a classification, a genre of a personality.. I would want to be a hippie. Without a doubt.

First off, I don't think there's actually a solid, cut and paste definition of a hippie. There may have been a more defined version in the 70s but I think these days people kind of pick and choose what they like from a lifestyle and go with it and dump the undesirable traits.

Here's some qualities I admire from what I Believe hippies to be like.. I really can only go by what wikipedia says about them though..

- freedom to believe in what you want
- non-violence, peace-loving, love everyone and the world we live in.. sounds cheesy but I admire it.
- the clothes. Not going to lie. I love the flowy hippie attire. patterns that don't match and super comfy clothes. Hemp everything. This is what attracted me to hippie-ness in the first place.
-vegetarianism. Ok. so this can't be all hippies but they seem to have started the whole vegetarian phase according to the Veggie websites I've seen. The whole love the planet and everything has a soul and respect nature. I thinks its just fab.
-saving the world one person at a time. Really one person can make a difference, protest for what you believe in and save the environment by persecuting the litterers and big chemical/manufacturing polluting companies.
-thinking up creative ideas to save the world. (usually dreaming them up while stoned but good intentions nonetheless)

Some parts of hippieness that have me thinking its not so fun

- conserving water by using the same bath water for weeks. Ummm. ya. So I don't know if this is just a rumour but regardless.. its disgusting.
- being constantly high. I understand once in a while. But seriously.. all the time?! I would be a dirty smelling, chip eating, lazy person. Oh wait.. maybe this should be under the good qualities.. and maybe I'm already this person without the constant high. So I guess they're one up on me because at least they're high while they're being lazy

The values of hippies are actually truly amazing and I whole heartedly admire them. It goes against what I'm doing with my life at the moment - working for one of the largest polluters in ontario. But my goals have been solidified this past year as I've realized what I hold in high esteem. I would love to create a cleaner source of energy and since I will have the education and hopefully the resources at my disposal I may actually be able to come up with an idea that doesn't involved LSD and rainbows.

This is probably the most unorganized blog in the history of blogs. Regardless, I am posting it without editing it and I'll cross my fingers in hopes that its entertaining enough. If not then its too late.. you read this far. No refunds. And sorry, you will not get the past 5 minutes of your life back.

Thats what you get for reading an entry entitled Hippie Nonsense.

Buddha And His Belly

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." ~Dalai Lama

I like the Dalai Lama's approach to religion. I don't understand how people can use religion, or lack thereof, as an excuse to be intolerant or cruel to others.

Everyone has a right to believe in something. This of course does lead to some problems. Especially if that belief involves the murder/suicide of anyone. And I do find it hard to take the people who worship things like cows or cats seriously. But I refuse to believe that there is one right religion for the world. I do believe that everyone needs to believe in something. This doesn't necessarily mean you believe in a greater being that controls the universe, but it could mean you believe in the beauty of the universe, or the the goodness of human nature, or your own personal strength and abilities. This to me is religion. Simply belief that leads to an individual striving to be better.

I was born and raised roman catholic. So I can't say I know everything about all religions and I'm definitely not all that well educated in theology in general. But I do know that from what I've experienced throughout my life and what I've been taught, there is some kind of greater good. This isn't personified in an old man with a long beard sitting on a cloud passing out judgement. To me personally, I think that people are generally good, some are misguided. And I think that religion should be a personal experience. No one should have to tell you what to believe in or what is right and what is wrong. People need to figure that out for themselves from somewhere within them based on experience, culture, who they are and how they were raised.

I sort of believe in karma.. but not the exact definition which involves reincarnation. Its like you get what you put out there. And if you send out negative vibes and generally think poorly of others, and treat others in a subpar manner you're bound to feel those negative vibes bounce back at you. I like to think of it as resonance. If you try to spread happiness you're bound to be a happier person. This isn't to say bad things can't happen to good people. But you can't control everything and your reactions towards what happen in your life are more important than what actually happens. You could become paralyzed and live your life in misery or you could become paralyzed and live an amazing life. Generally, its up to each individual how they handle their circumstances. It would be my perfect world if everyone would be happy and try to make those around them happy. What I do agree with in most religions is how they are against lying, stealing etc. This is another negative vibe kind of thing and if you lie to others there's a good chance someone is lying to you.

Anyways, religion is a touchy subject with most people because everyone likes to believe that their faith is the right one. So I was slightly hesitant to write this. But its one of those things where I feel strongly enough to write about it. Its up there with closed-mindedness.

The Evolution Of Us

I feel its time for a fun entry. I started writing a blog entry about religion and decided to save that for a rainy day because I'm not in the mood to be deep and intensely passionate.

Instead, lets delve into the life of the university student. (This is in anticipation of my return to school in september.) University students are typically a race unto themselves. Perhaps their own evolutionary phenomenon that lasts for approx. 4 to 7 years until they get spat out into the real world again.

I'll divide this into areas of life:

School Life:
Depending on the program this should consist of 75 to 90% of a students life (110% if you're an engineer :p) considering this is your purpose in life at that moment. However, it usually takes up about 10% to 60% on average. Keep in mind this is an average and its also my blog and my opinion. To myself and most students, the School work part is a nuissance and takes away time from much other important aspects of life such as the Party Life.

Family Life:
Almost non existant. The purpose here is to cut all ties and umbilical cords from parents now. And then there are the nights when you become sick or just plain old miss mom's cooking or you are desperately broke and need some funds fast. In these instances Family Life takes priority until you can fulfill those needs.

Friends/Party Life:
I wasn't sure if I should group friends and party together. But party can be defined as three people with a bag of chips, diet coke and the whole 10 seasons worth of friends episodes on dvd. So I've combined them. This takes up 99% of Student Life if it were up to the student. It is foremost on each students mind. Things like exams and tests become priority in order to get them done with in order to go out friday night and dance.

Relationship Life:
This is a toss up. I myself spent basically all my university life in a relationship. So that took up a lot of time and I would rate it at about a 30- 40%. For those not in relationships they are often looking for one.. which would probably take up 30-40% as well. And for those not in a relationship and not wanting one they spend they're time fending off the ones that are looking for relationships. So around 30% again.

Eating:
This is done in between everything. Usually consisting of cheap dirty pizza at midnight. It can be combined with any of the above aspects of student life.

And then from all this a person emerges ready to work a 9 to 5 job, eating regular meals, often times getting married. Partying life goes from 99% to nearly non existant. And the new evolutionary being is supposedly an adult.

Personally, I'll stick with Student Life as long as I can.

For The Love Of Fear

Sorry to all my avid readers. I tease you with three bright and simply fascinating blog entries and then disappear for 2 weeks. I've just haven't had any real motivation to write. But then today, I was struck by something absolutely shocking. They found a body in a car near where I live that had been decomposing slowly over the past 2 weeks. Isn't that utterly gruesome? The greatest part is that I drove by the spot four times last week on my way to and from the auto shop. Meaning I drove by a dead body and didn't notice. Then today I found it blocked off when I went to drop off my car (to get the lower ball joints replaced, which is another story entirely).

It's amazing that people absolutely are fascinated by things which disgust and repulse them. Instead of wanting to avoid the area I was so tempted to park my car and try and see what was going on. It's like the little babies that love playing peek-a-boo. To them it’s a shock and it might make them jump but they still lean forward in anticipation and fall back laughing in hysterics when you pop your face out and say "boo". People love to be terrified or disgusted. Some people like getting their hands dirty, some people like driving too fast and some people like sky diving. I would love to know why this is. It is beyond me. I hate scary movies, and I'm terrified of sky diving but I love the nauseous yet anxious build up when I'm watching shows like fear factor where people are eating bugs and cow penises or jumping from one moving beam to another, defying gravity.

Some people have higher limits than others. I think it's like one of those spicy food things. Depending on the foods you ate when you were younger, and the tolerance for it that you were born with, some people are able to handle suicide sauce on their wings while others have a hard enough time with the honey garlic.

Anyways, the guy that drove me back to work was all excited that he got to tell someone all about the dead body. He went on to say how the police officers who went in the car to get the body were saying how it started disintegrating when they touched it. Now this can't be true. I'm imagining a scene from a vampire movie where the vampire turns to dust in the sunlight. But this is what happens when people want to get the shock effect from their listener. And then the story changes from person to person.

And as final proof of how I love shock effect and gruesomeness: I wrote this didn't I? and I'm secretly hoping for shocked and disgusted comments and reactions from every reader.

So here is my adaptation to the story: The body had been sitting in a car in the sun for a MONTH, slowly rotting. The smell pervaded the car until the entire block smelt of death and despair. A small child was playing catch outside his home when his ball went flying beyond his grasp and crashed through the window of the abandoned car. Green waves of putrid air poured out of the hole in the window. Through the haze and stench the boy crept up to the car to retrieve his ball. There was a hand next to the ball. He peeked in closer, fear sending goosebumps up his neck and down his spine. The image before him sent waves of nausea through him. The man had been dead for some time. The boy ran as fast as he could, forgetting his ball, forgetting everything except for the image of the man hunched over the wheel, slowly turning to dust.

It is a horrible thing, death is. Yet without a name and face to attach to the person it seems surreal. Like something on television. Until the picture is released in the papers and a name is supplied I will continued to be fascinated. Once the body has an identity it will become a tragedy. Once a family is attached and a life story is told there will be no more fascination. Only shock and sadness. It becomes something you can relate to and then there is a fear that isn't addictive, a fear that isn't a thrill.

Cars And All Things Shiny

What makes you happy?
Do you feel rushed all the time? Countless things to do with no time to do it? Do you ever stop to think.. is this making me happy? Why am I doing this? What do I WANT to do? Rather than: What do I NEED to do?
Also.. Does this sound like the beginning of a cheesy infomercial?? haha

Life is short.. I'm sure you've heard it so many times before.
Why waste time doing stuff that doesn't make you happy? Granted there are some things that you don't want to do that you need to do.. Example: I don't love cleaning my apartment, in fact I hate it. But I love the results. So it indirectly makes me happy.

A lot of people waste a lot of time being sad. This is the worst waste of time. There are so many good things you can be happy about so I can't understand why anyone would want to focus on the bad things in life. Ya.. you think you're life sucks and things can't get any worse and "why me"..*teeny tiny violin* STOP whining... There ARE worse things that could happen.

Wait.. stop everything right now. Put down your ipod, your remote, your cell phone, lift your hands away from the mouse and keyboard.

What makes you happy? Seriously...

Examples: (this would be my list.. but just a start to get you going)
Brand Spanking New Shiny Cars (VWs baby!)
Warm Gooey Fudgy Brownies, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Big Hugs, Little Kisses
Sunshine, Blue Skies
Used Bookstores, Books, Music, Music, more Music
Vanilla Bean Lattes, Toffee Nut Lattes, Iced Chai Soy Lattes
Patios, Porches, Backyards, Swing Sets, Swimming Pools
Friends, Family
Laughter, Giggles, Smiles
Funky Shoes
Pillows, Duvets, More Sunshine, Old sitcoms

Now you absolutely hate me cause I've given you two rants telling you to believe in something, be passionate, and be happy. And I've criticized the whiners…

Ps. If you've actually read this far I'm extremely impressed.. you may possibly have less of a life than me :p
Pps. Sorry to those of you who actually thought I was going to write about cars..

The Difference of One

That one word you need to hear.
The one place you'd love to see.
The one person you'd love to be with.
The one person who can change the world.
The one moment in time you would love to remain forever in.

I'm just going to warn you now that this is going to be a boring one.. But i'm gonna be selfish and do a little rant on what I believe in... ya.. I'm selfish. Continue to read or not read, as you will.

It is unbelieveable how one seemingly insignificant person can change the world. Whether it is for one person or millions of people. We are more powerful and our words are more potent than we know.

Hitler changed the world, as did Napoleon. You can say it was good or bad. Either way, it was one person.

If you do one thing today, if you do something your whole life, let it be something that leaves the world a better place in your wake.

If it is the decision to not eat meat, not drive a car, adopt a pet, adopt a child, help the needy.. whatever your decision do it for yourself. Do it with passion and conviction. Do it with love.

My absolute goal in life is to be true to myself as much as possible and to change at least one persons life for the better. The greatest feeling is knowing that someone needs you. As I said, I'm selfish.. but thats human nature.

So this wasn't a fun post.. which I promise the next will be. Sneak Preview: Cars and all things shiny.. Stay tuned..

To Blog Or Not To Blog

As a friend once told me.. if you are going to start a blog you have to know HOW to blog. He said you should talk about your audience to keep them interested..
I'm not a blogger.. i find the name funny though.
But I enjoy writing.. and I love talking about myself.. hence my decision to blog.. and blog i will

To follow the advice of my friend:

To my audience. I'm sure you are all amazing people.. with extremely dull lives since you have time and the inclination to read this far into my blog.

and now a question for you:
There are approximately 6.5 billion people on this planet. What makes you special? Is there someone exactly like you? Can one person REALLY make a difference? And one last question: "All the lonely people... where do they all come from?" (thank you mr. lennon)

Its insane.. how can anyone feel detached or lonely when there are 6.5 billion people! and at least one of them probably feels exactly the same about the world as you do. And what with TV, facebook, msn, myspace, text msging, cell phones, emails, etc etc etc.. how can you feel disconnected at all?! But it happens.. and for some reason the more you are able to communicate and the easier it gets to connect with people it seems that more and more people feel detached, disconnected and alone. When all of a sudden a computer or cell phone breaks its like a death in the family.. I almost cried when my computer wouldn't start.. and then I didn't know what to do without the easy access to people and information.

But the strangest thing I think is how much people love cottages and camping and skiing and all those outdoor things.. its like everyone needs to get away from it. Our brains need a rest from the constant bombardment of information.

The best times I have are sitting on a dock at a cottage with nothing but nature sounds. and friends..

Basically, I think the reason for all the loneliness is the ability to talk to people without being with people. If we couldn't use cell phones and computers, we would spend more time actually being with our friends and family.

So it may sound like I'm against instant communication.. But clearly I'm not.. I have a laptop, desktop PC and a cellphone.. And I would mourn the death of each of them.

As for my other question "How can ONE person make a difference?".. I'll leave that for the next blog :)